Saturday, February 25, 2012

Sometimes Boyfriend

Although S-girl spent most of her time overlooking my flaws I am aware that I had them.

Without false pride, I will say that when put my mind to undertaking a task I have enough skill to be able to do that thing at least adequately with practice. But you know me. When asked I'll probably assert my prowess with a bit more bravado than quite warranted. (^^|||)7

The one exception would be relationships. With a full comprehension of my own personality, I will admit straight out that I am not really good boyfriend material.

I can be sweet, tender, loving, attentive, and other such good words... but only when I want to be. You might be thinking, "Well, that's not unusual. I can be all those things, too, if I want to be." Well, good for you, but if you have a sig. o. I hope you want to be those things on a relatively stable schedule for her sake.

Unfortunately for S-girl, all those nice adjectives can apply to me but I need two more: inconstant and capricious.

My cheery disposition, happy-go-lucky attitude, or whatever you want to call it, drew her to me in the first place. That part of my personality shines steadfastly. However, my desires are decidedly mutable. Not to sound like Charlie Sheen, but when I feel like doing something, I generally pop up and do it. When I don't feel like doing something that I don't really have to... well, then it sucked to be her. It sounds bad to say but I didn't always want to be her boyfriend while we were going out. I do some crazy stuff sometimes and I didn't always feel like S-girl had it in her to keep pace with me. Sometimes I felt like she just got in my way. I'm not talking about things like drinking and partying, though she definitely couldn't run with me in that respect either.

Here's a pic taken from the top of a construction crane at night. Crept into the site, jumped over building materials, slid under barriers and finally climbed the crane to take this shot. UVa has a beautiful campus but most people matriculate and graduate without ever seeing this side of it. Shame.
That light on the right isn't the sun, it's the UVa hospital floodlight for helicopters.

S-girl wasn't very athletic. She worked out (- -___) to stay healthy-ish but that's not the same thing at all, you know?

I have no illusions that this could somehow be a common requirement for most guys when choosing a gf but, personally: I really want my girl to be able to jump on a table.
Is that a strange thing to imagine? The word is dynamic, man.

I want my girl to run, to jump, to kick, to live. To have a vitality that bursts from her spirit such that it's almost like the Earth can't hold her and she'd fly. I can dream, can't I? heh. (^^_____)

S-girl never took runs around the neighborhood, instead she'd run on the elliptical trainer. I know all about the physiological benefits of using that piece of equipment rather than actually running, but I don't care about any of that. Something about that choice of exercise encapsulates a bit of the essence of S-girl's spirit, the part of her that I found unacceptable, almost repugnant.

She was running in place.

Repugnant might seem like a strong word, and definitely a contrast to all the positive stuff I've been telling you guys about our times together, but it is the perfect word for my feeling. The very act is contrary to my nature. Ugh. /(≥﹏≤)\

If I had to characterize the two of us with Greek natural elements I'd say I was Air and she was Earth. Coincidentally, I'm a Gemini (mutable air sign) and she's a Taurus (fixed earth sign). I don't really give any of that astrology stuff much stock, though. (I'm a snake, I say, a snake!)

I've already told you how our relationship was uneven, she wanted us to be together way more than I did. We were unbalanced in another way, too. She wanted to be more like me, but I definitely didn't want to be more like her. I'm usually in good spirits, she's inclined to be melancholy. I'm friendly and out-going. She's more introverted and quiet. In a lot of ways, she reminded me of myself back in the day, no? But that's not a good thing. I was not in a good place in that day, I tell ya.

SO there you go, guys. Finally, some negativity up in here.