Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Grudge 2 [2006] Pt.1

The Grudge......2.....SHIT.
SHIMIZU Y U STILL MAKE MOVIE? (سಥ益ಥ)س
GODDAMN

Anyway, this isn't a remake of anything. It actually has a new (shitty) storyline and new shitty characters with shitty actors. (_____- -)=3 *sigh*

Ok, so this may seem odd to compliment but the opening credit for the distributor Columbia Pictures had a nifty effect. If you watch this go check it out. Not that it saves the movie. At all.

The opening scene kindly lets you know you're in for a treat. The frying pan scene from Ju-on 2 has been pilfered and made worse. For one, why take 'inspiration' from the worst installment so far? Yes, Ju-on 2 was worse than The Grudge. The scene itself wasn't terrible. In Ju-on 2 that is. Here? They took the average husband and made him a cardboard cut-out of an abusive brutish husband. The average housewife is now a cardboard abused wife. They actually have you thinking, "You go girl!" rather than feel horror that the unassuming wife just killed her husband without warning. How misguided of a horror movie is this?

The blonde even has a goddamn TROLLFACE
After a "Previously, on The Grudge" segment overlaying the credits, we meet our protagonists: a normal girl and two "popular girls" who are obviously stringing her along with the promise of letting her join their clique. Oh yeah, there's an Asian, a blonde and a brunette. Guess which one is the odd one out? And what cruel prank are they challenging her to overcome if she ever wants to be accepted in? I'll give you one guess.

Less than 8 minutes in and we get to the Saeki house. To his credit, Shimizu remembered to make the house look burnt, maintaining the continuity with The Grudge. It turns out the blonde is the ringleader, which made me wonder: Why is a Japanese girl attending the International High School? And she's not even the ringleader of this gaijin clique in her own country. (__¬ ¬)
They dare her to go in the closet and count to 10. The door gets stuck and she gets double-teamed by mah boo, Toshio, and Kayako. Toshio, still makin' cat noises, you little demon you. *tsk tsk*

Now the scene goes to Buffy's Karen's sister, in California getting the boot from mom to go see Karen in Japan. Of course, Aubrey only speaks English. (⌐ ⌐__) This gives a journalist, Eason, played by Edison Chen, the opportunity to translate for her dumb ass and get them to meet. He's investigating the mystery of all these deaths surrounding the Saeki house and it just so happens he is trying to get an interview with Karen. Karen does a perfect job of making her sister believe she is crazy by saying all the wrong things and nothing to explain. The doctors promptly strap her down and usher Aubrey out of the room. When everyone is gone Karen decides to whisper, "Aubrey...don't go in that house." YEAH. YOU'RE JUST ALL KINDS OF HELPFUL AREN'T YOU KAREN. Fortunately, Kayako comes for her post-haste. Get that white chick! GO GO GO!
...Man. This movie is some shit. Honestly. Look at me cheering for these people to get done in.

Jump to that husband and wife moving in to his apartment. It's in Chicago, Illinois and the husband and wife have just married. *shrug* ╮(╯_╰)╭ The man's daughter is cool with this but the son acts coldly. The wife, Trish, puts her things in the closet, previously filled with Jake's things. Apparently, Jake is a real sporty kid since that closet had nothing but hockey sticks, baseball mitts, umpire gear and this room is decorated with a basketball hoop, team posters, etc. Ok, we get it. He likes sports. What cheap characterization. Next door a Mr. Fleming returns home with someone wearing a hoodie. Turns out this is the brunette, Allison. Jake sees Toshio loitering outside her apartment.

Jump back to Allison back in the classroom. The curse is still playing with her at this stage with black cats brushing past her legs and Toshio creeping under people's tables. It seems like Miyuki, the Asian, is also feeling it. The blonde seems unaffected until we see her in the shower. First she finds long black hairs at her feet.
The music cue tells us that this is supposed to be frightening but why? This is a girls' shower stall. Long hair on the floor should not surprise anyone. Shimizu's really starting to show some weariness when it comes to instilling fear in the audience. It isn't working. Attempted jump scare moments become more and more frequent.
A dress and what looks like a wig(?) hanging in the corner turns into Kayako who makes her trademark death rattle noise and take a step towards Blonde. I don't know her name. She promptly pisses herself and runs out of there. What was the point of that? I don't know. Are we supposed to laugh that the bully soiled herself so easily? But if we're supposed to be laughing we're not scared. What is Shimizu going for here?
Cut to Miyuki meeting up with her gaijin boyfriend. (- -____) Am I the only one who wonders why she doesn't have an Asian boyfriend? You got Edison Chen in here already so what's one more brother? They promptly head to a love hotel. (- -________________) This guy hasn't even had any characterization yet. What a ho. (That goes for both of them.) She gets nervous and hides under the covers. Kayako gets a little frisky with Miyuki before pulling her through the mirror. I lol'ed. Gaijin comes out of the shower and only finds her jacket. OOOH SNAP! Blue-balled by a ghost.
(>ワ)AHAHAHAHA

GOOD LORD, LOOK AT THE LENGTH OF THIS POST.
Well, I told you I like to watch bad movies and that I like to rant about them so... You had fair warning. I'm a man of my word. Also I am behind by one post so if I split this into two I'll be right on.... ha-HAA!!