The Room [2003] Pt.4

This is it. This madness has gone on long enough.

A needlessly long sequence of Mark and Johnny running through the city wastes some more of my life. Next we find mom and Lisa talking again. About what, you ask? What else? The two of them rehash the same topic every time they meet. What is the point of these repeated, pointless scenes?

Cut to a birthday party for Johnny. Dear lord, he really did just write this movie to vicariously experience things he'd otherwise never enjoy.

Later on, after the guests have left, Mark and Lisa start doing it on the couch again. A random character, not that other guy, don't worry about it, catches them and confronts them. Mark storms out. Random #2 yells at her a little, managing to mention that Johnny's "very sensitive".

Cut to another social gathering of some kind. Johnny announces to everyone that he and Lisa are expecting a child! Yay!! Somehow it's still his birthday. And oh snap, Lisa confesses to her Random Girl and Random #2 that there's no baby. She just said that to "make things interesting".

Wow. What a bitch.

At one point in the conversation Lisa tells them they worry too much about her, to which Random Girl retorts, "We're not worried about you, we're worried about Johnny." The masturbatory nature of this screenplay becomes ever clearer.

Mark later demands to know if the baby is his. Lisa refuses to answer his question and slaps him. Johnny intervenes and they scuffle awkwardly.  He immediately apologizes and takes Lisa outside to have a word. We don't get to see what they spoke about. Cut to Lisa and Mark slow dancing together. Johnny comes over again and confronts them, scuffling with Mark again. I'm confused. Is he or isn't he angry?

After a little more awkward scuffling and decrying his friends for betraying him and tricking him and not caring anymore he walks off.

God damn.

Ending: Johnny kills himself, Mark, Lisa and Danny sob over his corpse.

Jesus fuck, that was horribifuckus. Yes, horribifuckus.
 
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In other news, I'm going to be out of town in a few hours and won't be back til Monday. There probably won't be posts til then. Also I didn't want to post a separate post saying so. The last time I did that it threw off my one-a-day post count. In fact, I want to remedy that now.

The Room [2003] Pt.3

This will be the end, for either myself or this movie! (سಥ益ಥ)س

So the scene with Mark, Peter and Johnny continues. They talk about random events, past and future, in what I can only assume is an effort to 'broaden' the world they're living in. Furthermore, the sheer awkwardness of all three 'actors' makes their line reading hackneyed and offbeat.

Johnny, apropos of nothing, goes into the kitchen to make them something to eat and conveniently leave the scene. Lisa and Danny enter. Mark totally nonchalantly exits, followed closely by Peter. Didn't they just say they'd like to eat something? What assholes. It turns out they go up to the roof, separately. Apparently, Peter went somewhere before happening to encounter Mark on the roof. He confesses that he's had an affair with Lisa. Peter advises him to find another girl and never see Lisa again because she's "a sociopath, she only cares about herself, she can't love ANYONE". Wow. You flipped on your friend real fast there, Peter. I wonder what you have to say about Johnny when he isn't around. Meh. Probably nothing the rest of us wouldn't agree with.

Cut to everyone dressed up in tuxedos, presumably to get ready for the wedding. But no. They go back to tossing around the football. Come on guys, didn't this turn out so well last time? And Peter falls down in short order. They 'go home', Johnny's favorite activity. Coincidentally, this is Tommy Wiseau's favorite method of scene transition.

Next scene, Mark and Johnny meet for coffee. Wait. Wasn't there a wedding? What happened with that? Why'd everyone put on the tuxedos? Why is Mark suddenly clean-shaven? (He is.)

Here's a snippet of their conversation:
Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh , pretty good. We got a new client. At the bank. We make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
J: I can not tell you. It's confidential.
M: Aw come on. Why not?
J: I can't anyway how's your sex life?

(ಠдಠ)
Ca- can I use that smooth segue in my next conversation?
And I swear, as Johnny leaves he says, "Ok doggy, bye~". Either he's trying to be 'hip' or Tommy got confused what scene he's doing in his own convoluted screenplay.

Cut to Lisa pulling Mark upstairs. Mark, ever clueless, asks, "What's goin' on here?" In addition, he re-emphasizes that Mark is his "best friend", a fact that he whips out for any excuse or none.

[Another long bad sex scene]

[Another pointless piece of stock footage of San Fransisco]

Johnny and Mark run through the park tossing a football. You know what? I think this movie was just an excuse for Tommy Wiseau to try and simulate having friends to play football with, tell him what a great guy he is and to get naked and hump a girl. Yep. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

Cut to Mark and Lisa getting it on AGAIN. Fortunately, a knock interrupts them. Mark has difficulty getting his contraption shirt back on. Instead of waiting, Lisa invites whoever is knocking to come in.
For one thing, what if it was Johnny? For another, why did they knock? No one has bothered to do so up til now in this movie, why start now?
It's random girl! The one who came in to have sex with random guy that other time. (They didn't knock before entering that time either.) She takes the scene of her friend having an affair rather well. For that matter, everyone in this movie seems to take troublesome news unusually well. What happened to that breast cancer, by the way?

Goddamn, this movie isn't over yet.

These are for you, Tommy. 凸-(ಠ_ಠ)-凸

The Room [2003] Pt.2

ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH!!! ~~~( Д≧≦)9

So anyways, following that... scene, Lisa speaks with her mother again. Turns out mother has breast cancer. This elicits no reaction from Lisa nor is it ever referred to again. Hmm. Well, I can't blame them. I don't care either! ╮(╯ヮ╰)╭
Lisa then claims Johnny got drunk last night and hit her, to which loving mother immediately replies, "Johnny doesn't drink, what are you talking about?"
.
.
.
Wow, mom. Furthermore, she reiterates how Johnny is her "financial security". The love and support. Overwhelming.

Next scene: two random characters seem to break into Lisa's apartment and start having more awkward sex on her couch..... uggghhh.....

My face while watching this crappery.

Mom and Lisa walk in soon after and they leave under mother's disapproving gaze and Lisa's stifled laughter. Danny bops in again to borrow some sugar and give them a reason to talk about him. Apparently Danny has no parents and Johnny has taken him under his wing. Lisa reminds Mom that Tommy Johnny is "very caring about the people in his life".
 Wait. Why are you singing his praises now? Aren't you trying to discredit him?

Suddenly, random guy bursts back into the room, ostensibly to get the book he left behind but mom sees his other hand grabbing something from under the cushion. His boxers! Oh the hilarity! Everybody has a good laugh, hoo hoo haha hee hee heh heh.
Then, in a single breath, everything turns serious again.
I... I think I got whiplash from that transition.

Oh damn, it seems Danny owes this tough guy some money!
 Turns out he bought some drugs from that guy. But it's ok he doesn't have the anymore. And it's ok about that guy too cuz he's going to jail. Yep. Everything's hunky dory.

My face when I notice this movie isn't even halfway done yet.

Some yelling, some screaming. More nonsensical dialogue. They all go home. D'aaawwwwww.

Cut to Mark on the phone with Lisa. Oh noes, Lisa still has feelings for him. My my, how will this go down, hmm? Mark rebuffs her though. Seems he may be a decent friend after all.

The scene @38:00. Oh dear. Oh my. Such- such bad acting. Such hollow emotion.... I just might get an aneurysm from this....

Mark and Johnny have a heart to heart on the roof. At first Mark seems to try and hint to Johnny that he should watch Lisa more closely. Then he seems to hint that he will steal Lisa from him. Johnny repeatedly affirms his trust and love in both his best friend and fiance. Oh, this couldn't be foreshadowing anything, no way. By the way, that change in undertone comes only from the sinister music that plays when he reads his lines. Without it he could easily have just been talking straight. Gee, the last time I saw a movie starring characters so wooden they needed the music to act for them was Lost in Space [1998]. But that's another post.

Mark takes off before revealing anything, bumping into Danny on the way out! Danny has something to say! He's in love with Lisa!
.
.
.
[See above face]
Johnny gives a few trite words about love and friendship and the world. He trusts Danny and he trusts Lisa! YAY!!
Wow. He took that well. Then Johnny asks about some girl who we haven't seen and won't get to see ever, Elizabeth, I think. Oh, Danny loves her, and after he graduates college he wants to marry and have kids with her! Apropos of nothing Danny thanks Johnny for paying his tuition and just in general being this saintly man of a man. They go to eat (hah?). And so that plot point gets wrapped up nicely. And there was much rejoicing.

Cut to that random girl. Lisa continues to spread the news that Johnny hit her. I think that story would have a little more credibility if she'd put some effort into maybe bruising herself a little.

And then we get the famous scene.

 

 

Yeah. So anyway, next day random guy, I don't think I ever learn his name, tells Johnny about his whole underwear debacle. Danny shows up and the three of them toss a football back and forth while standing 5 feet away from each other. Mark shows up and randomly bumps into Random Guy, knocking him over. The two of them leave but not before Johnny makes sure Random Guy knows that he's available to help if he ever needs him. Whatta stand-up guy, I tellya. They go home.

And that scene didn't affect the storyline whatsoever.

Cut to yet another scene between mom and Lisa. Mom suddenly has bad words to say about Johnny, for the first time (and how convenient to the plot). Lisa, whose maturity seems to regress closer and closer to that of a 6-year-old's, confesses that she slept with another man. Mom has about as much reaction to this news as Lisa had to the, breast cancer was it? That is to say, none at all. Unbeknownst to them, Tommy Johnny has overheard this from his concealed location at the top of the spiral staircase. Also there's a party tomorrow.

He decides to record them... for some reason. Fortunately, he happens to have a tape in his pocket and an answering machine on him. He hooks these up to the phone and goes upstairs..... where he meets with Friend, a new character introduced, well, without any introduction whatsoever. Johnny proceeds to ask for advice (but doesn't get any). He wants to give Lisa a second chance, because "you know wat they saaay. Laahve is bliind." God, his clotted accent does not help anything.

Mark shows up and proceeds to reveal to them that he has a girl but she's married but so attractive. To which Peter (that's the new guy's name) reasonably asks why he never mentioned this before. It might interest you to know that was the first sign of intelligent thought process this movie has displayed. But then Johnny asks, "Can I meet her?" And so balance returned.



I'm sorry guys.... I can only take so much in one sitting!


╰( ಥಥ▂)ノ~~~

The Room [2003] Pt.1

It's been a long time since I last posted a movie review/ synopsis. In fact, the last time I posted something with the 'movie' label was around the beginning of this month.

But my followers have spoken. Movies you shall have. But what to watch to break this fast? Hmmm.... why not the most horribifuckus movie ever made?

I'm of course speaking of The Room [2003]!!

Anyhoo, let's begin.

What the shit...


{3 MINUTES, 44 SECONDS IN}

Ah fuck. This movie is some shit.... I mean some real shit. And I've seen The Poseidon Adventure (1972) so I've seen some shit, believe it.

Oh good lord. Tommy- I mean Johnny's laugh is... something. It's so stiff and... awkward. Is that Tommy's acting? Is that just how he laughs? And Danny. I don't know if he's supposed to be slow, his actor slow, or if it's just the bad writing that gives him that impression. Come to think of it that describes Johnny, too. It is a marvel of suck, really. Come to think of it that describes this movie as a whole. What an efficient boy am I!

A 'love scene' ensues. That's at least one + point for this movie. We got to see a boob.

SUDDENLY

AHHHHHH.......
MINUS.
MINUS.
MINUS.
MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NAHTHING.

By the time I recovered, Lisa is telling her mother about how she doesn't love Johnny anymore, to which dear mom points out how successful Johnny is doing a job we never see him do and how her best prospect in life is to marry this wealthy man who, by the way, will be getting a promotion soon. Thanks for the self-esteem boost, mom!

I got a chuckle out of this exchange though:
Mom: I'm glad you're listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.
Lisa: You're probably right about that, mom.
Oh, snap, son!

The plot thickens from Air to maybe a Light Fog. Lisa has an affair with Mark, Johnny's 'best friend', though I'd never have gotten that solely from their interactions on-screen. I believe this may be because Sestero (Mark's actor) doesn't have enough acting ability in him to pull this off. But please! Don't hold that against him. You try to like Wiseau, you'll see how hard it is, I promise.

Speaking of which, damn. I gotta write a few more lines quick to push that ass shot off the screen.

So it turns out successful, upwardly-mobile Johnny did not get that promotion. The bank he works for betrayed him, they didn't keep their promise, they tricked him and he doesn't care anymore. Lisa proceeds to get him drunk and we get yet another scene of pale ass and awkward humping accompanied by nondescript background music.

Ok, that's all for now. I can only take this in small doses after the long drought.